this is my cage

Extra Ecstasy~ vs Final Fantasy!!

2007-01-11T02:46:00.000+08:00

For a person like me, getting excited is something that rarely occurs these days. There is nothing to get flustered about, and nothing really raises my interest. Except maybe the Wheel of Time novel series by Robert Jordan. But aside from that, my body feels hotter than usual and my appetite greater than every other day. To explain this, its important to note that one reason was something that happened about a week ago. Another was something that happened today. Oh well, yesterday to be exact.

The first one:

My chance to get to riches. Well, not the billions you hear about on TV and reality shows, but maybe a couple of millions, in ringgit of course. So how did this opportunity come about? One fine day, my dad's client from china sent him an email. And in it were requests for a few things. Some obviously asked for my dad to source different types of petroleum products and the last one, which is what i wanna talk about, is about mineral ores. No, we don't trade in that, but they want shipping services and chartered vessels to transport around 15million tonnes of ore this year. More like ore sands. So my dad was just plain busy trying to source sellers to fill the first couple of requests, and i volunteered to help source ships for the last one.

I think my dad trusts me a lot and is getting more encouraging nowadays, maybe because i have shown myself as an asset. But i m still lacking in many aspects, and experience in negotiation. I must admit, I have this deep innate fear of failure and the impact it brings, most of all to my pride and esteem. On the other hand, i have always agreed with my dad's saying that i am not ready to face the world yet. How can I be, when i have yet to face any big failures or cross any great hurdles. Only when i stumble and fall, and learn to climb up from the abyss of total demise can i become strong and firm in the face of adversity.

But all that aside, i happen, by luck and God's blessing, to have a friend with contacts in such an industry. As an IT salesperson, it's just plain luck he was telling me about approaching such clients in large logistics and shipping companies and making good friends among them. And a week after that this request came in. How nice!! I can't exactly place it as pure coincidence, but i will fully leverage on this one opportunity that crossed my path. And imagine, if i just made USD0.10 out of every transported tonnage. That would make around USD 1.5 mil a year alone. Nice eh? Even better when it's in ringgit, even when the USD is weakening, its still quite ok for me.

Second Case:

It's wednesday, someone asked if i was going to college. I said yeah, why not. She said she could make it there around 230pm. And so i made it too. Only i messaged her expecting to be late, but ended up early in college, while she expected me to be late, so she arrived late (by leaving late). Either way, we had some quality time together, talked, tried to fit subjects into our own convenient time slots, and she managed to persuade me to take a subject together with her. Motivation. That's the subject. I don't mind since it's as good as any other subject, so well. And i get to attend classes with her together as well. So yeah.

Another thing happened after that. She decided to give me a lift. At first it was to Carrefour in Sri Petaling, but she ended up dropping me at home. I really have to thank her, and thank my incredible luck. I think she's really being very nice to me. I just hope she will think of me in a slightly different way, a more intimate and erm, possibly allow me to get one step closer? Nah, that's all wishful thinking for the time being. Either way I do hope I can get closer to her this semester. And get rich at the same time. Talk about an aspiring pimp daddy eh...

Well, about time to wrap it up. Friends, family, relatives, Bratjas, wish me luck!! And God Bless my endeavours...

HP Addiction

2006-09-24T02:43:00.000+08:00

Two months of silence. Probably because there was nothing to shout about. Then lots of work for this semester creeped up on me. However, the best thing that happened to me this semester seems to be taking its "reaction" toll on me. Yes, this sem, I got closer to some girls, and got to know a few more, but the most interesting one is this hot like hellfire chilli padi girl. I nick named her HP --> Hiao Por~

The process happened in this manner:

1. Tuesday. Saw friends having lunch at the canteen, HP was in their group. Join group after finishing off my lunch, chit chat, got to intro myself and another friend. Wasted enough time until the next class started.

2. Wednesday. Met HP at the corridor area between classes. Talked, joked.

3. Thursday. Found out by accident HP takes a class with many of my friends. Crashed the class after the lecturer left. Met with erm, green stares all over the class. Pulled some cranky and erm, kinda ecchi comments with her and her friends.

4. Wednesday Week 2. Met HP while having lunch.

5. Thursday Week 2. Met HP at her class again. Went there early before the class started. Talk cock and performed some actions similar to Hard Gay's. Got her laughing non-stop.

6. Friday, Week 2. Finished class at 5pm. Stayed to finish up assignment due next Monday (I have no classes on Monday) so I could hand it in on Friday itself. Friend rushing assignment with me called her over. My friend is also HP's good friend, so she called her over. My friend left after 530pm, and so HP, me and this Indian guy called Jeremiah stayed and talk cock till 7pm. She was waiting for her mum to pick her up. She heard me talk about my nick in MSN, so she suddenly said, hey, why not add me in MSN? Tore out a nice piece of blue paper and wrote her MSN email add for me. Told me jokingly "ok, it's decided right? 10pm, don't be late!" and Jeremiah said "wah, 10pm which hotel u guys going to?"

Continued talking while accompanying her to the busstop opposite college to wait for her mum's car to arrive. Jeremiah walked home so I waited with her. Her mum arrived in the midst of a horrible traffic jam, and she goodbye with a lingering look on her face. Reached home at 1045pm, bathed, went online and caught her at 11pm. Chatted till 2am Saturday.

7. Saturday, Week 2. This morning she saw me online and said she misses me dearly... Before that she tried to nudge me a few times, and I told her I disabled nudges cos I watch lotsa 'shows' on my comp.

Either way, it's kinda hard to express all the action and content of our conversation, but in my memories, they are all very important!! Taisetsu na kioku da!! Wasurenai da yo ne!!

Bratjas out there, If you guys read this, Pray Hard!! And then, wish me lotsa luck k!! Multitasking ain't my strongest point at all. So lets see how things go. Maybe soon I will end up in Hiao Por Heaven, and I hope that's after I get my license and car. Till then, Adieu!! ( I wasn't swearing, dammit!!)

Guilty Gear XX Slash

2006-07-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

Indeed, the past week, I was guilty of the 'gear'. And i managed to try out Guilty Gear XX on PS2 and in Sungei Wang's arcades.

Let me explain what i mean by 'Guilty of the Gear'. It was a boring and uninspiring day as usual, and after a swim, i walked back to school, planning to hitch a ride from my friend back home. Too bad she was kinda sick with a bad cold, and she was on medication... darn, she's kinda drowsy and she doesnt look too good. Her class just had a quiz, and her classmates, all of our usual gang in college, were saying, lets go for a cup of warm tea, that'll probably make her feel better. As it was, we had tea and all, but she was still kinda drowsy. In the end, she asked me, why don't you drive instead? And i went "are u kidding? I don't have a license!"

After some pleading and some thinking, I accepted the proposal, crazy as it was. I drove slowly and carefully. Halfway home, she said, erm, can you drop me at my workplace? It's an optician's not far from our area, so i was thinking yeah sure, but wait! How the heck are you gonna get home then?! "Oh, please pick me up at 9pm k?"

So i dropped her and drove towards home, parked the car on the next street, and walked home. I left at 845 that night and picked her up, then had drinks at a nearby mamak, where she packed some roti planta for her mom. Ah well, luckily it ended there, she sent me home and I went to Hui's place. Either way, my liking for her seemed to have increased dramatically after that. Maybe it's the boosted ego from driving and being trusted to drive, maybe it's just being with her that made me feel comfortable.

After that, came the last few days of the semester. She had unfinished assignments, which i gladly helped out with (I wrote up to 30% of those). While i think she's kinda cute and likeable, I strongly disagree with her work ethics and her attitude towards college work. No. Darn. It's like two contradicting sides trying to duke it out in my head. But then that's hardly any surprise right?

Then comes GGXX Slash, the latest instalment of the Guilty Gear series. I just picked up order Sol, and i think he's difficult to use properly, but frankly, he IS indeed quite powerful. Bearing in mind the way i learn fighting games, no surprise that I just decided to play him with no real difference in the way i play any character. We had a lot of trouble with the new BOSS, the Ultimate Cheater version of Order Sol. Think about his moves, he has a special move that gains life constantly in that mode, has overpowered up normal moves, increased movement speed, and erm, a super move that is insanely damaging... darn!!!

Then comes my last update. Anime!! Zero no Tsukaima is a nice and funny anime subbed by Kuroneko and some others. Watch to understand where the laughter comes from. Aside from that, I am gonna be working for my dad i hope, and i dearly sincerely and honestly wish for a good cut in his deals. Maybe US$0.02 to$0.05 per tonne. That would indeed make me very happy.

LAZY Numbers!!

2006-05-09T10:29:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to make at least monthly entries, if not weekly, but yeah well, been lazy (can I actually name the final exams as an excuse?) and here is another entry after a long period of dormancy.

Recently, I've caught on to the sudoku craze thanks to my aunt who introduced it to my mom who keeps bugging me about the puzzles that appear on the daily newspaper. Sudoku is by no means difficult, and sometimes i find the most difficult ones (rated: EVIL) easier than those rated EASY. Either way, it really comes down to the type of logic needed and applied all over the nine times nine squares. Well, it can be extremely easy if we were as meticulous and mechanical in tabling the possible numbers for every square and working by elimination, but then again, its extremely boring and tiresome to do so. I do it with a combination of will power, a bit of guesswork and verification from all the numbers i can gather!!

Recently a few new animes caught my attention. First up is Black Lagoon!! A nice one about a salaryman who was ordered to deliver a disc to clients of the large conglomerate he works for, he was kidnapped when the Russian Mafia decided to hire some pirates with a torpedo craft to erm, retrieve the disc. His boss told him "Rokuro, for the sake of the x0,000 employees of Asahi Industries, please disappear and die. We will promote you to manager and give you a wonderful funeral." With that, the pirates took him in, and made him 'Rock' instead, which this nigger tough guy leader of the pirates calls him. Levi is the lady in the gang, who is nicknamed two hands. She usually looks rough and noisy, but grew up in a crime-racked city, with guns and knifes. Next up is the IT man Benny!! He was rescued by Levi while being pursued by both the FBI and mafia for some erm... hacking adventures.

Then comes the Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi (Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu). Here we have a gag anime, and i think its better to be surprised and find out about yourself what the whole affair is all about. Basically, its very well drawn, high quality and detailed animation done by Kyoto Animation (think Fumoffu) and the jokes are, well, clever.

Other than the adventures above, Kiba and Soul Link are worth watching, while I have also seen the first episode of Tokko. It does live up to the quality of the manga, although the gory parts could have been better made, and the art style, as with what happened to GTO, cant really follow the original way characters are cute, or have very unique expressions.

That aside, Ergo Proxy is nice!! And besides anime, other than the latest chapters of Bleach and Gantz, I have caught on to a few different manga over the time that I have kept quiet. First of is Golden Boy. Funny, a bit ecchi, but very entertaining. Then comes Shining Musume by Shiwasu no Okina. Not much to say about this, its pure hentai with lotsa you know... body fluids splashing all over the place, and the characters absolutely getting screwed left right center and all over the pages. Then comes 'Girlfriend', a nice manga about guys who just have the luck to get in touch with extra cute girls, but who all just dont really want any overly intimate or committed relationships. Yes, they have sexual relationships, but that's as much as it is, they are not really going out or anything. Hmm, talk about hornines... hey wait a minute!! Why are all the mangas i read something like this?! No!! Wait!! This is not me!! Argh!! Help!! I am becoming Hentai!! no~~~

Nah, there is always To Love Ru, which in kana form actually spells, to ra bu ru, which can be pronounced 'Trouble'. It's a title with double meaning, and both meanings fit the manga well. First chapter done by Illuminati-Manga, rather funny and enjoyable, and drawn by the author of Black Cat - Yabuki Kentaro.

All in all, it's been a rather fun week. Hope life continues this way.

A Brand New Year!!

2006-02-09T19:35:00.000+08:00

Ah well, after a long hiatus, a new blog entry is here!! It's now the 10th day or so of Chinese New Year, and many of my chinese (PRC) friends are not back from China yet. Or some are still enjoying their extended holidays. I met Ben on my way to Stamford College today, and collected my transcripts at long last. 5 copies of paper to prove I have a CGPA score of 3.04/4.00. Sad, as I could have done much better in the 2nd semester and it would have been more like 3.4 or 3.3, but like Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare's play said, "what's done cannot be undone".

I agreed after meeting Nebiha and Idy today to help out with their Chinese New Year Celebration play. It's kinda short and stupid, so I didn't mind, but the heck! The whole event starts at 630 tomorrow. Ah well, might as well get my ass around that place. It's better than sitting and rotting at home. Either way, I'd still be wasting time.

College life is getting scary. We just found out we have 2 weeks left to complete our assignments before midterm. Erm, but assignments for 3-4 subjects all due at the same time? Advertising is probably the best one. We need to create a flyer and make a presentation base on either a company or a product from a company. Having clarified that we can use original ideas, or hypothethical companies/products, I came up with the following products:

1) Plant fertilizer: BullShit Brand Plant Fertilizer, made of 100% bullshit.
2) Anti-ageing Serum: Tata Young Aging Serum, Say 'tata' to your youth~
3) Orange juice: Squeeze-me Baby Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice, like they say, "Squeeze me Baby!!"

After suggesting number 3), my groupmate Michelle slapped me hard on the arm and said "Oh my God!! That's so horny!! It sounds so horny!!"

Uh huh, I know, that's why I am the HnK right?

Then I sms-ed J-san and Aik to tell them about buying over MPH, and churning out an electronic gadget instead. We shall call MPH Malaysian Produced Hen... Henfon!! yes, not Hentai this time!! And J-san suggested the H83 revolutionary henfon from MPHnK~ yes, a combination of our names, not unlike MSNBC, with high speed networking capabilities, and a switchblade, plus a laser sight for ur handgun. Handy for self-defense and survival needs. It redefines the term "Urban Warrior".

Well, dinner has just been served and I shall end this here. Or maybe a few lines later. Something smells good, and I've been told, popiah is served.

Senorita

2005-10-24T02:03:00.000+08:00

First of all, let me say, i've finally had someone i like, not in the sexually charged, infatuative way, but more of like, mild interest, without too much of a hentai slant, but she does attract me. In her own simple way, a plain, diligent, soft spoken girl, looks are just ok, nothing outstanding, figure ok, not fat not thin, intelligent though. She's got a good head on her shoulders. Senorita, by Justin Timberlake came to my mind, but its just the wrong song. I'm not gonna be like that guy in Hitch, "food is tasteless, the colours are dull... until i bang her." That is so not my intention.

On a lighter note, I think i'm on the way to wealth and power. Well, maybe not power, but wealth. Overall wealth for the family at least. My dad just signed a contract, with 3 more coming. Net profit worth, erm, well, lets just say it exceeds the 7th digit. However, there is more coming, and more, and more. If this goes on for say, the next 5 years, i would probably marry by 28 (erm, provided i find a girlfriend or a potential love interest at all) and settle down retired by 33. Well, so it should really go on for 10 years. By then, i guess, i'll buy something no one can live without, and make big bucks out of it. How ideal. Hope all goes well.

At the same time, i am rushing for a research paper due this friday, and a presentation wednesday. How hectic. I guess i'll have to do the research on monday, discuss on tuesday and spend all my time doing the paper on mon, tues and wed nights.

All in all, a much more positive post, at the end of a week of mixed emotions.

Dead

2005-10-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

Dead. That's my opinion of God. Or at least, he's been sleeping way too long. Otherwise he wouldnt have been so bastardized as to endow me with such idiotic, screwed up, brainless a mother and a sister.

First off, my mom. She wants me to assemble the old bedframe i used for my sister. I refused for the reasons below:
1) The wood has rotted at many places, especially the joints.
2) There are better methods to resolve the problem at hand, which is:
My sis used to sleep on a stack of 2 thick mattresses, which keep slipping over each other.

To me, this can be easily solved by putting one mattress away (storing upright against a wall).

After her initial enthusiasm and all that, she wants me to move 2 large bedboards up. I did. And guess what? Despite all her effort whatever bullshit she was trying to pull, the bedboards could not fit inside the frame. In the end i had to hammer the bedboard in by force.

Later my mom keeps scolding me about not trying hard for school and such (i failed one class in a single semester, while getting an A in another. and a B+ for the third subject). Admitting that in that case, i havnt tried hard enough, I argued that it does not, as she did extrapolate to mean, that i do not try at all in everything. In effect, she is contradicting the fact that i have also contributed to the family, especially by typing and drafting contracts for my dad. "Fine, I could always just delete the entire folder of stuff. I didnt do anything afterall." and my mom replied "So that's all u can do? delete?". I said "Yes, that is all i can do. delete. Permanently."

Then there comes my sister, who is even more unforgivable. She does things that are irreversible, thinks it is ok, and enjoys it. While still actively adding songs to my playlist, i've noticed that my playlist has been wiped out more than 2x in a week. And not surprisingly, i found out that it was my annoying brainless idiotic nitwit stupid imbecile of a sister who thinks with her rear end or just doesnt think at all. Telling her not to double click MP3s but to open them via enqueueing or from winamp's playlist itself, i have failed to stop her from wiping out my playlist. Eating at 10pm, she suddenly asked me if i'd like to listen to some stupid song by eminem. I said ok, whatever, and did not suspect anything. Not until the next song played was something i hadnt listened to in ages, and the song after that was annoying eurobeat.

I asked, "what happened to my playlist?" and the answer was that she double-clicked on that screwed up MP3 of hers. And she couldnt apologize and beg for mercy. Neither did she try to remedy the problem. The only thing she did was open the entire folder of anime themes collection to substitute. And one look told me. I didnt have 400 songs in my playlist before that. Only about 140 songs.

I fumed up. I lost hope. There was probably no hope to begin with. I live in a dark world of demise filled with idiots called family members. How should i continue living? Should i seek early release from this painful life? No answers came from above, so i'm waiting to see if they come from below. J-san, please provide some answers if u please.This is the end, i guess.

Leech Madness!!

2005-10-03T01:19:00.000+08:00

It's been sometime since i last blogged about happy stuff. But the truth is this: this blog was made for me to vent my frustrations, to let off steam. And yet, there is no reason why i cant share some better things once in a while.

A few days back, i enjoyed chatting with J-san. Especially about life, religion and such, and was glad that following my points of rebuttal, J-san took the time to reply many things. The effort taken i estimate at the most reserved level, was tremendous. The concern and care for a bratja, no less. It was nice, to be reminded that someone does care. Also about 2 days/nights back, chatting with miss E, even though shortly, really was refreshing and invigorating. That really tells me, at least some nice caring godly people are still around. The world, our world, is not such a bad place to be after all. (And now, all that's left is finding a girlfriend/soulmate who can accept me for who i am)

I really appreciate the simple joy of having a good friend willing to debate or even engage in a battle of intellectual exchange with me. J-san is one such individual. Not biased and not blinded by his faith, even though faith is sometimes described as blind, he has made it such that its done with not just passion, but a lot of thinking and philosophy. I gather that few pastors would beat him. He'd seriously give them a run for their money. Miss E, my vitamin E, is no less at the same time, although more passionate and motivated by love.

While leeching, i found out one thing. IRC leeching still rocks. To me at least, it trumps Bittorrent anytime, since its a relatively slow computer and doesnt excel at multitasking (blame the measly amount of RAM, SD-133). IRC leeching from bots almost happens at full speed. The limiting factor? My DSL bandwidth. Now that's what i call real leeching.

Cutting to somewhere else (yes, i know the topic is about leech madness, but its only a title), my midterms start off in 8hrs 18 mins. Nice to know that i have only studied a little, and English is gonna be freekill for me. The essay alone will be such cannon fodder for my intellect. Public speaking is easy. I'll have to put effort into the assignment for interpersonal communication though. Sighz. Assignments... Ass... oh well, go on more and i'll end up like the author for yakitate Ja-pan... always punning.

My current favourite songs: Mostly from final fantasy: Pray, Tatakae mono tachi (piano), Ending Credits (advent children) and Blaze Away from Trax (ED2 for Eyeshield 21 anime). Time to end and read a bit more. Till then, good night to all.

Obsession

2005-09-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

by See-Saw

deep in the night
far off the light
missing my headache

visions of light
sweeter delight
kissin' my loveache

how come I must know
where obsession needs to go?
how come I must know
where the passion hides its feelings?

how come I must know
where obsession needs to go?
how come I must know
the direction of relieving?

After catching FF7 Advent Children a couple of weeks ago, i m kinda obsessed with Tifa. Not so much Yuffie, but Tifa. And now i'd seen the DVD version of it on a decent TV at a friend's place, my infatuation or obsession has grown. All of it for a person i know is pure art and fiction, a creation of high technology and good imagination.

Maybe i am weird, even for an anime fanboy aka otaku, but seriously, FF7 Advent Children gave me a glimpse of the dream woman i'd really want. Seriously. The looks, the personality, that smile, and the strength... now that's a real lady. Blame Square for making such a perfect lady, and she's not even an actress or living celebrity.

This brought to mind a chapter in ARMS, of the experiment on NEXT. People who have supposedly died, with their memories digitized, but their emotions relying on stored and programmed responses within their digital brains' databases. Primitive in terms of science fiction, but realistic for an era not far away from ours. And sometimes i just wish i could be like those in the matrix, to live a dream, with her, and never wake up.

Thinking back, i've never really been involved in a deeply romantic relationship with any lady. I keep pondering on the issue, and one cause should be my on fault, unable to commit, unable to care more for others. Maybe its like what they say: one who cannot love others, has no right to be loved. I am perhaps, just that type of person, full of myself, selfish to the limit, childish to the breaking point of life.

Oh well, hunger pangs are starting to move in. Gotta catch some sleep. And continue with my obsessive dreams of Tifa Lockheart. Tifa-chan, your selfish admirer comes... =P

Shocking Experiences!!

2005-09-11T01:40:00.000+08:00

Unlike in most anime, where u can get shocked till ur skeleton shows like an X-Ray, we die when we get shocked badly, and u turn to ash due to the heat generated from impedance, or resistance of a human body. Fortunately, a computer's power supply puts out only abt 12 Volts to the mother board, and even less to other components. 5 Volts to the Harddisks and other Drives, 3.3 Volts to a Floppy drive, or something like that.

When i moved into my new house, after setting up the old computer, i set up my own computer on the spanking new table i got (ok, its not spanking new, i had it since i was 9 or 10, but still, i havnt had it for my computer since then) and turned it on... smilez~ The next thing i tried to do was insert a DVD into the drive, and i got a nasty jerk at the elbow when i touched the casing... darn!! a real Shock!! So i tried touching the case again, thinking it was just static... Wrong move!! A whole series of shocks followed, with my fingers forced against the case, my hand trembled. The slight tinge of pain pushing my hand away in the end. My right hand.

And after a while, i think it got worse... I could somehow feel vibrations in the ground, that feels like electrons running free and vibrating... Damn, i might be paranoid or oversensitive, but either one is bad enough!!

And consulting a friend, his dad (an architect) said it might be an unearthed socket, but it seemed, all other sockets and computers had no problems at all. My dad asked our electrician, a really tall man of 40+, he said it might be the extension cables and 3-way plugs. After changing the cables and plugs, i tried touching the case, to feel the familiar shocks... coursing up and stopping at where my elbow is... seems like a bit of shock therapy never killed anyone~

Been reading lotsa fantasy... and my English class assignment... a 400 word Imaginative Essay... i was asking for at least a thousand words... and no, the idiot of a teacher would not oblige... reason being - too many china ppl in the class who can just barely make 400 words (even with rampant and blatant plagiarism), how pathetic...

Took a liking to this song by Weiss, Instant Karma:

Ame no michi ni utsuru kage
Sore wa ai no jubaku toita ore
Dakaretai to sugaru hito ni sae
Kotoba hitotsu kakete agerarezu

A shadow emerges from the rainy road.
That shadow is me, free from my curse of love.
Even to people who beg for my embrace,
I say not even one word of encouragement.

Tsumi wa sotto kiete shimau
Uso no you ni kiete shimau
Nikushimi wa kiete shimau
Uso no you ni kiete shimau

My sins softly disappear.
Unbelievably, they disappear.
My hate disappears.
Unbelievably, it disappears.

Senaka koshi ni tsubuyaita
Sore wa kako o azake warau ore
Ima mo mune ni nokoru kizu nante
Okashisugiru dare mo damasenai

As I pass by, a murmur is heard.
That is me, scornfully laughing at my past.
I try to say there is no pain left in my soul.
But strangely enough, I can’t fool anyone.

Batsu wa kitto narete shimau
Ai no you ni narete shimau
Nikushimi wa narete shimau
Kisu no you ni narete shimau

Surely, I will grow accustomed to punishment.
Just as I did with love.
I will grow accustomed to hate.
Just as I did with a kiss.

Tsumi wa sotto kiete shimau
Uso no you ni kiete shimau
Nikushimi wa kiete shimau
Uso no you ni kiete shimau
Nikushimi wa narete shimau
Kisu no you ni narete shimau

My sins softly disappear.
Unbelievably, they disappear.
My hate disappears.
Unbelievably, it disappears.
I will grow accustomed to hate.
Just as I did with a kiss.

Dumb Dispute Desperado

2005-08-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

Dumb disputes... stupid arguments... with who else but my parents... sometimes i wonder if stupidity attracts each other and stubborn characters are genetically passed down. I have my suspicions.

Imagine the below:
Mom: The phone's red light is not on.
Me: wait wait, reading newspaper. (and i'm reading very fine print)
Mom: The red light is not on, just go and adjust it.
Me: What red light?
Mom: Charging red light lar. Go go go. Point out to u already can u go and adjust the phone?
Me: ah later, let me finish reading the papers.

All the while i have the idea she was referring to her handphone, which does have rather bad charger contacts, and the red charging light does go off time and again.

Me: Dad, have u seen mom's handphone? she told me to adjust it, red light was off or something
Dad: What?
Me: (cant find phone) Aiyah, dunno what she's talking about. her phone isnt even here. Dun care. Cant be bothered if she doesnt make herself clear.
Dad: Whatever whatever (annoyed)

Later, when i was just about to start my computer up, my dad came in and just started scolding me and what not about he already knew its the cordless phone my mom was referring to. Then i told him OK, so its the cordless phone, yeah but my mom never mentioned cordless phone at all. Then my dad flared up abt me interrupting him to tell him that. Then he was going on like, u never listen to what ppl have to say and all that. And i told him i can guess most of it anyway. And repeated his usual routine of 'bla bla's.

After that was pure hell and injustice and no reason was involved. He started going on abt i think i'm dam smart and all that bull... Then i just told him whatever, say what u like, suit urself. Then he went on about I just say that cos i have nothing else to say, and i told him 'look who's talking now...'

Wonder why he's so pissed. I could accept a mistake. I can't accept being blatantly blamed for something that's not my fault. Get my mom to make things clear. Understandably, Reasonably clear.

Then the usual argument about how things should be done. I told my dad, i can do this for u, but i do it my way after he flared up in one of the arguments... He was asking me to help him do something, and i told him, let me do this first, then this, then i can do things step by step. No need for a full briefing before everything. (He leaves enought loopholes for me to keep going back to him to confirm things, and his handwriting and annotations are horrendously illegible) But he had to flare up and ask me to do all things his method, his way. I just told him, well, when u employ a secretary to type a document, u dont expect to tell her, here, type all the As, then the Bs, then the Cs, then the Hs, then the Is, then u fill in the rest. She types, u check the draft, then editing is done if necessary, and everything's fine.

He just walked out, and came back to ask me to do the same thing at night anyway. I felt pissed. But at least his attitude was much better by that time. Damn. I hate working with ppl who cant control their emotions... such a pain in the neck...

To end, i would like to quote a friend's MSN nick: There is no such thing as Blind Faith.
And my reply to that is: There is no faith without some Blindness. (which is sadly, how MLM works as well)

Broken Wings

2005-07-04T02:39:00.000+08:00

Just had the luxury (in the sense of time) to watch Trinity Blood 8. The ending song, Broken Wings just reminded me of my situation. A person without a car in KL can really be compared to an Angel or a Bird with Broken Wings. The thing is, from my place, OUG, public transport rarely brings me anywhere at all. In fact, the nearest busstop is about 15mins walk away, with the bus coming every half hour on a lucky day. The next place for buses would be central supermarket, which is about 35-40mins walk away. Darn. And, not surprisingly, i couldnt find any resources for bus timetables. Not online, not offline. Asking is the only way possible. So how does this allow for advance planning if i were not outside asking people which bus goes here and there?

And to get to Taman Sri Sentosa, my friends place, would mean going to PJ, then taking a bus from PJ? bullshit!! Now a drive, even with some traffic congestion, would really only take about 35mins to school. Travelling down to Asia Jaya LRT for a shuttle bus itself takes me more than 45mins upon leaving my front gate. And the crucial timing depends heavily on the shuttle bus and traffic where the shuttle bus passes by. When the bus is not always on time, it demands a long buffer time. And the buffer time is fairly unnecessary!!! It slows things down!! it causes inefficiency!! And the buses depart quarterly (sometimes they do not really do so) so what could i do? It's all rubbish!! No driving allowed. More than not being able to afford a car for me, i think the reasoning that I must, and MUST!! i mean, practice under the supervision of my mom, until she is satisfied with my driving, virtually means no driving this lifetime, and no chance of working in a job that demands "own transport required" at all. This is all just rubbish.

And having the argument with my mom (who thinks argument means fighting and squabbling) is practically a waste of time. It shows her stupidity, but yet, it shows that i have no chance of escaping this fate of being a hitchhiker for the rest of my life. I really feel like breaking down and crying. Why?! Why?! Why is God so unfair to me?! My brother is allowed to drive despite crashing the car and breaking one suspension on the right front of her car. But i dont see me being allowed to drive when i have a zero accident record. This is unfair. This is illogical. Not being able to practice (my definition demands solo practice as 'practice', supervised 'practice' means still learning to drive, and being constantly harassed and not allowed to self-adjust) means i can never driver better than my current state. I fucking hate my mom now!! I cant put any sense into her HEAD!!! I cant knock sense into her about her fucked up religion. I cant talk sense into her when she is convinced having 2 computers on at the same time so i can transfer info via CDRWs are a waste of power. I cant fucking knock sense into her about this driving thing, and I cant stand her asking the same questions all the time!!
"When are your exams?"
"Which exams?"
"final exams"
"2 more weeks."
"Then midterms?"
"I showed u all my papers!!!"
*look of disbelieve*

"U better pray for your dad's deal to come thru, it'll be a great breakthru if it does"
my sis: then we can have a better house to stay in and dun have to stay at that rented place.
me: i just wished i could drive to school

And the whole argument starts. I refused to re-new my license for a very simple reason. No compromise. I practice how to drive on my own. I can operate a car. I learnt how to turn a computer on, i learnt most of how to operate DOS and windows tweaking around on my own and copying my cousin Warren. I did NOT learn how to ride a bicycle with my mom sitting on it as well. I did NOT learn how to surf the net with my mom teaching me step by step. I did NOT learn how to fix gundam model sets with my mom or dad scrutinizing my every action to make sure i didnt get cut or pricked in the process. Somehow i get more distrust than i shud.

People think just because i am a bio student i can handle computers. My dad's younger sister, my aunt is just like that. My uncle who asked me for help turned sceptical as soon as i told him i needed to dismantle this and that or do this and that. And of course they didnt understand y, didnt bother asking y, but just thought, u shud be able to do it in a much simpler way. Or just like, *click* and all problems go away. yeah right. transfer a 50MB file from a zip disk, available hardware -> my cousin's comp, with zip drive, no driver CDs and running windows 95 (no built in cd burning), my comp, no drivers, win 98, no zip drive, 12X CDRW drive.

My final solution was to port his zip drive to my comp to hope it could be automatically detected. Imagine how it scared the nerves off my aunt. While her son found it immensely interesting and she revolted when i explained to him how things are easily done.

But if i learnt all these hardware stuff from just watching chea hui assemble a PC once, i'd say, i could pretty much drive on my own. I m not slow in learning at all. I just need good quality practice time to adjust and fine tune my driving angles and control. And of course, practice gives better control and sense of speed. My senses are still not used to such speed. Not used to controlling things at that speed and the multi-tasking needed.

But if i have to abstain from driving, lose my license, go for the exams all over and waste a whole lotta money on the way, i will just to make my point. It is correct and my mom cant prove me wrong. At least not by removing my privileges to driving.

If i'd told her i drove her car secretly out when my parents were in Johor, i'd say she'd flare up and scolded me upside down. But i know how far my capabilities go. Its only, abt 300 meters away, i mean, what's the big deal. The ends justify all that happened along. No crash, no problem. Can someone, or some higher being, or just some wise old friend tell me, what's wrong in this world? What's wrong with me? Who is really wrong? What is the truth? How should i solve this according to the parameters and conditions i have set? Is there something really impossible? Is something impossible if u set the correct parameters and conditions? I mean, i know its impossible if u say u want pure water to maintain its solid form with a density of 1.0g/cc, at rtp, and if u want a person to walk at 10000000km/h on the north south highway towards Johor. It is impossible physically. Proven. But why do the sayings go against common sense? I understand not.

Why did God create beings that become Evil spirits and Satan if he was Good, Just, All Knowing and All Powerful? Every answer i heard has to concede that God has some weakness or limitation or is just unable to answer. It usually ends with, that, you have to ask God. But i beg to ask, but what if your assumptions are incorrect? Is it just church doctrine that runs the show and overrule common sense? Do u believe that God is here to save us? Then prove it. Starting from God's presence, in an empirical way. I mean, he is omnipotent and omnipresent, no? Then what is so difficult about it? Questions from a mind that has learnt to distrust, and to lie by habit.

This entry, has gone a bit off scope, but really, i just wanted to vent off some steam. And yes, i still cant find it in my small hole of a heart to forgive my parents. I was promised a chance to study in NZ. And in the end, my bro went. I never made it there, i never was allowed to transfer. I never was allowed to drive. Fuck this fucked up world. I shall be a demon if the world does not desire a normal human being to be himself and live a normal life. I've already been pushed off my tangent. Those who read, please, do not misunderstand me, and try to answer the questions i posed objectively, yeah? Jason, i still tell u honestly, if there was a creator God, he's either an ass or a biased ass, or a lazy ass, or just another ass. And u can quote me to any religious person. =P cheers.

Tonight!! (Bright Zen light mix)

2005-06-23T01:03:00.000+08:00

Suddenly I've caught on to this song "Tonight" by Weiss. Suddenly. And i've had this song for quite some time, i just havent given this song as much attention as i do now. Maybe its because i just came across the lyrics and it felt fun trying to sing along.

So, here are the lyrics for Tonight:

wakaranai nani ka kawarisou nanda
/something unknown seems to be changing
Tonight Night
kanata wo senkou ga somete yuku
/the distance will be painted in flashing light
War? Wow

tenshi mo ireba akuma mo iru darou
/if angels are here then demons may be as well
dare mo kokoro no naka wa sou Black&White
/the inside of everyone's heart is like that Black&White
ai mo aru nara itami mo aru darou
/since love is here then pain may be as well
konya kono yo ga kawaru Tonight Tonight
/tonight this world changes Tonight Tonight

oyasumi mishiranu kuni no NYUUSU yo
/goodnight news of an unknown country
Tonight Night
nikushimi ikari no umi ga moeru
/hatred; a sea of anger burns
War? Whoa

tenshi no kao de akuma ga sasayaku
/with the faces of angels demons whisper
hito no kokoro no naka wa sou Smilin' Cryin'
/the inside of people's hearts are like that Smilin' Cryin'
toki no shijima de dare ka sakebu darou
/within the silent solitude of time someone calls out, surely
konya subete wo keshite Tonight Tonight
/tonight everything is extinguished Tonight Tonight

Love Somebody Hate Somebody
Shame Somebody Live Somebody

tenshi mo ireba akuma mo iru darou
/if angels are here then demons may be as well
dare mo kokoro no naka wa sou Black&White&Blue
/the inside of everyone's heart is like that Black&White&Blue
ai mo aru nara itami mo aru darou
/since love is here then pain may be as well
konya kono yo ga kawaru Tonight Tonight
/tonight this world changes Tonight Tonight

tenshi no kao de akuma ga sasayaku
/with the faces of angels demons whisper
hito no kokoro no naka wa sou Smilin' Cryin'
/the inside of people's hearts are like that Smilin' Cryin'
toki no shijima de dare ka sakebu darou
/within the silent solitude of time someone calls out, surely
konya subete wo keshite Tonight Tonight
/tonight everything is extinguished Tonight Tonight

The lyrics may not make much sense at all, but then, i do like the idea of demons with the faces of angels whispering into your ears... pretty good concept eh? Temptation. In the form of a nice girl whom i've kinda taken a liking to... nah... she's just a classmate... at least that's what i would have wanted to say, but then, is she really just a classmate whom i m more than willing to lend my notes to? Guess not. But still, the chances of going any further seem to predict futile efforts.

All is not lost though, at least, i did ace my accounting midterms. To sum it all up, 97% for a paper that's worth 30% of my final assessment, and i figured out that by now, i've collected 41% out of the 45% possible before the 2nd half of the semester for accounting 2.

Monday was the accounting 2 midterms, and on tuesday, due to massive traffic jams outside Midvalley, which were caused by the J-card member day sale for Jusco, i was late by abt 45mins for a 2hr class. And when i finally made it to class, the stupid thing was, the lecturer N spent the entire class marking our papers, no lectures.

Wednesday, Lecturer N really went into hyperdrive mode, and finished one chapter in a bit under 50mins. We had a 10 min break and then he had us do one question in class to illustrate the ideas in that chapter. Class ended 20mins early, and during class, something really stupid happened. N was going thru the 1st part of the question, when i had already finished the 2nd part... He caught B looking at A's paper, and reprimanded B for doing that. B said he didnt have a calculator and so he couldnt calculate the figures for the production budgets and material purchase budgets. So i lent B my calculator. N saw it and wasnt pleased. So he went, Caleb, why dont u have a calculator? I replied "Sir, i lent mine to Ben" and he went "Why u lend him ur calculator? How are u going to do the 2nd part?" i replied "Sir, i've finished that already." Upon the answer which his face darkened, and said, ok, give me the answer to the 2nd part. I did. And then he asked me if i did part 3, and i had finished it too, so i gave him the answers... His face really darkened with each correct answer...

Now, to try to bully a student for just not having a calculator is one thing, to try and catch ur top student off guard, is another. When he thought he had me off guard for the fourth and last part of the question, well, it made his day even worse. He couldnt catch a single mistake from me, and its when he was still getting everyone to do part 3. I do forgive him for having some misgivings about our class though. Someone got thrown out of the exam hall for cheating during the mid terms... I mean, if u want to cheat, how stupid do u need to be to get caught?

Serves her right, but then still, sometimes the feelings of sympathy do appear. I mean, it's not like i dun cheat. I help others cheat, as the answer provider usually. But of course, i dont get caught doing it. And the other factor is, i cant find anyone to cheat off. I am afterall the top guy. Oh well, so much for bragging about that, but i worked for it, and i think i rightly claimed that place.

Saw the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with Aik, his friends LiShun, Eng Tee and EngTee's IMU babe. I mean, its damn obvious she's not his gal, but then again, i'd really like to encourage ET to try harder and go ahead. U'd never know, it might have been a mistake last time, but this time, it might be, as one omake of Bleach aptly puts it, "A wonderful Mistake" (the original was "A Wonderful Error")... So there u go ET boy, dun waste time, and dun hesitate. He who hesitates is Lust!! (fine, its a bad pun)

And i figured out that it would be really fun to watch, ET vs Predator (vs Alien) if its possible. We really cant have ET vs Jason right? That wouldnt be fun at all. Jason would just punch the hell out of anything that moves with his Jackhammer and Dempsey Roll anyway. So there goes.

Time to end this Blog. Hopefully the midterm for Stupid World Religions goes well. History really isnt my strong point, and theology outside of christianity and Catholicism is way off my palate. Well then. To zzz.

Dungeons and Dragons and Dynamite and Deathrays

2005-06-19T14:18:00.000+08:00

I Am A: Lawful Neutral Human Ranger Fighter

Alignment:
Lawful Neutral characters believe in the triumph of law and order above all else. It does not matter whether the leader is for good or evil; the leader will be followed, because the order they provide is the most important thing.

Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Find out What D&D Character You Are, courtesy of Zinious Software corporation

Corruption of Innocence [Fade to Noise Mix]

2005-06-02T02:23:00.000+08:00

Somehow, just somehow, my blog titles are starting to really feel like the chapter names of Bleach manga chapters, or at least, those by Kubo Taito. That point aside. Somehow my imagination seems really overdone these few days. Today, i tried to put myself in the situation or scenario of the movie "Ima, ai ni yukimasu". And this while i am listening to the song Hana by Orange Range which was used in the movie. Thinking abt the lyrics didnt help. Suddenly felt like soaking in tears.

Recent happenings in my life... well... to think about it, nothing really big or significant did happen. Except maybe for one thing. And maybe its only significant to me and no one else.

This is perhaps no longer a secret among my yumcha kakis... but yeah, a lady, J, whom i kinda feel slightly more interested in before, and whom Mr. B has a crush on, SMSed me on a boring, wednesday morning. At 1:52am no less. To tell me that she's worried about tomorrow. She can't sleep. And its her first day at her new job. Yikes. She should be sleeping but she wasnt. Oh well, i can understand anxiety. And i can understand that i am probably a good trusted friend. One who replies SMS 2 hrs plus late cos my phone was somewhere else when the messaged arrive.

That aside. I am a greedy person. And true to the sense of that. I m not really content to standby and be the guy whom she trusts as a friend. I want to be 'that guy'... The right man for her. Not just the friend whom she consults for shopping spots in singapore or the guy she gave her 'first time' to... first time on a train and then a tour bus...

At the same time, i am thinking, this is dangerous... No... wait... She... is dangerous... In every sense of the word. Attitude, a harsh mistress she will be. But yet, tempting is her scent. Her every move... her eyes... her voice... and the way she reprimands me for not really washing my hands after eating. And of course, the way she gets a bit annoyed is just so cute. Not denying the fact that many guys probably will die to have her, i and not going to that extreme. But its just not doing any justice to say that i have no desire whatsoever for her. Have to admit. Did like her cuteness since primary school.

Till now, the cute petit look remains. The attitude has changed perhaps. Strong of will and heart she is. Iron resolve she has i guess, and she seems to hate people's assumptions about her. In a sense, that's good. She taught me that I really need to get to know her better in a sincere manner. Like a real Gentleman that is. Call me Mr. Gentleman will ya? =P

Right. Its getting late. Hopefully, I will catch "Madagascar" tomorrow, although i really want to catch "Ima, ai ni yukimasu" sometime too. No lyrics this time, although i would really want to post the lyrics for No Reason by Weiss sometime too. Oh well, leave it here. To end, with nothing.

"Dust to dust, Ashes to ashes"

Hajime no Ipoh!! [Awakening Ver.]

2005-05-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

Actually, this post has nothing to do with Ipoh. Nah... that was weeks ago. I just got back from singapore. Yes!! Ollie King Land!! In my opinion, Singapore has much better arcades than Malaysia. Think about this, in KL, i go to the arcades to find machines i m kinda tired of seeing. In singapore, I go to the arcades to find things i just had the chance to read abt online. The things that i thought were still news, are there in the arcades.

For example: Wangan Midnight Maximum Tune 2, Tekken 5, Capcom Fighting Evolution.

Imagine in KL, we dont see any of these. How depressing can the electronic gaming scene in Malaysia be? And having a PS2 rarely helps (beside the fact that i dont have one) since many games do not feel the same on consoles. Bear in mind that in arcades you also get much more challenging opponents so it makes the experience much better.

Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad!!

But the good part, is that i have a nice travelling companion. Though i think i kinda failed while being her tourguide and shopping guide, it was nice having her arnd. Lightens up the moods. And really, i still enjoy watching ladies shop. Its really impressive. How they can fall into a big dilemma about what to buy, then end up buying almost everything in the end. No miss J, i'm not talking about you~ Honest!!

And then there is the fun part playing mind games with Mr. B. About the first time given to me and all that. Oh well. Now the truth, maybe the whole truth, and maybe something together with the truth is out, I hope he can rest in... well, rest peacefully. I mean Sleep Well, well, u know what i mean. Just so u can sleep in peace.

Then there is miss W. Gave her a foot rub. I think i improved. She enjoyed. Then we had coffee, on her this time. Had fun talking to her. Just like old times. And no, I m not attracted to her this time. Something about her scares me. Seriously. But still, there is something about her that attracts others towards her. Yes, that i must say, the Force is strong in her.

Other things, well, miss J is cute, but to be really frank n blunt, she's insanely hard to please, Like playing 1 on 4 with Godlike Bots on UT2K4. I really dont get anywhere. But still, to see her smile and laugh finally when i was telling her about a silly B-rated show, really rocks. She has one of the cutest smiles. And i m blessed to see that. I saw a whole lotta other things too, but that i shall keep to myself.

Maybe to end off, I shall post the lyrics for Hajime no Ippo's opening song, Tumbling Dice. Enjoy!!

I know, I know, Ivan's really gonna kill me.

Anime Tenchou

2005-05-14T01:35:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, i find myself in this weird craze over this series anime tenchou. Too bad the info i can find is at best scarce. But, luck or something had me find this MP3 request board, and after a few hrs, the request was fulfilled. Thanks to kuuki, the ending song of that series, Dancin' for Your Number is in my collection. Best of all, i found the OP song, Aoi Kodoku by accident on Greedland. Searching for info on that song unearthed many little surprises.

I enjoyed the song thoroughly, but most surprisingly, the anime tenchou series is a self-advertising kinda series, like how "Howard and Kumar visit White Castle" is a self-advertising film. Really filled with inside jokes about the seiyuus themselves and about the animate store franchise, I think its kinda fun, especially since it features the top 8 male seiyuus of my list: Koyasu Takehito (Kuroyanagi Ryou - Yakitate!! Japan), Seki Tomokazu(Sagara Sousuke - Full Metal Panic), Miki Shinichiro (Fujiwara Takumi - Initial D), Ishida Akira (Cho-Hakkai - Saiyuki), Seki Toshihiko (Genzo Sanjo - Saiyuki), Hirata Hiroaki (Sha Gojyo - Saiyuki), Hoshi Souichiro (Son Goku - Saiyuki) and Yuuki Hiro (Michael - Witch Hunter Robin).

Coincidentally, 4 of them are also the main characters of Weiss Kreuz, while the other 4 are from Saiyuki. So these 4 are really representative seiyuus of the anime industry in japan, with the fact that at least seki tomokazu, koyasu takehito, ishida akira and seki toshihiko are singers, seiyuus, and have starred in many major animation works. They sang Double Dear, for which the lyrics i have posted on this blog before.

Now, finally i found the wonderful aoi kodoku (Blue/Pale Loneliness). The sad part of it is, i havent found any translated lyrics for it, and with my meagre knowledge of jap, i have attempted to translate it, but could only really do less than half of it.

So what ever, i will still post it, since its a nice song i want to share. And i like the rather sinister opening lines about 'your unfortunate birthday'. Reminds me of my own 21st.

君の不幸な誕生日な祝いに来たよ

//I have come to greet you on your unfortunate birthday

     僕のいない   愛のいない

//My emptiness, Love’s emptiness

     蒼いバースディ   キャンドルは冷めて

The blue birthday, The candle is cold

     君は僕の名を呼ぶだろう

//You call out my name

     狂おしく   愛しく   切なく。。。夜に抱かれるように

//Madness, love, this instant, The night seems to embrace them all.

     僕の名を呼ぶだろう。。。 今夜

//Call my name... Tonight

     God Bless   忌憚なく

//God Bless, Fear not

     Listen   自由でいい   祈れよ

//Listen, Freedom is good, pray

     Inside     胸のなか

//Inside my chest

     もう   痛みなど   ないのさ

//Even pain, is not here.

     青く群れる   愛の誘惑が   しがみつく

//The young crowd, Love’s temptation,

     身動きできないほどの   俺を撃つ視線でも

//The body does not move, only the sharp gaze from my eyes

     Kiss You   Kill You

//Kiss You Kill You

     もう   さよならさ

//Now, Goodbye

     ああ淫ら   乱れるほど

//Ah, Lust, chaos,

     ああすべて   罠になるよ

//Ah, all of it becomes a cycle

     ああ二人   蜜に濡れて

//Ah, a couple drowning in honey

     ああ燃える     灰になるまで

// Ah, burn, and become ashes

     Just Can't Wait For Love

     Wonder   誰一人
//Wonder who is alone

     No One     俺を待つ女【ひと】など

     Look Out     いないだろう

     そう   長すぎる   不在さ

     青く揺れる   愛の魂を   振りほどけ

     覚醒していく様子【さま】を   沈む瞳【め】に映すがいい

     Kiss You   Kill You

     そう   さよならさ

     ああ肌が   忘れぬよう

     ああせめて   抱いてやろう

     ああ二人   月に濡れて

     ああ消える   闇になるのさ

     Get Down In Your Love

     もう聴こえない

     女神の歌声さえも

     ああ淫ら   乱れるほど

     ああすべて   罠になるよ

     ああ二人   蜜に濡れて

     ああ燃える     灰になるまで

     Just Can't Wait For Love

Just can't wait for Love indeed... Well, hopefully love finds me soon in this seemingly loveless world. The world, is full of noise, and devoid of music...

Meaty House!! [beer bottle mix]

2005-05-08T21:46:00.000+08:00

Tonite, za nite of Mother's day. My dad decided that we shall have dinner at this restaurant called Meaty House at Damansara Utama. Really good, a wholesome sumptious meal for 5, 3 soups, and a large bottle of beer for RM115. Beat that.

I dont know if its a habit or something that is written in destiny, but everytime we go out as a family, my dad will ask my mom for road directions (knowing full well that she probably doesnt even know the place as well, and knowing that she cant give directions clearly. And all so he can throw a tantrum and fire up?). The atmosphere inside the car was laced with gunpowder alright. In the end, my dad knows where he wants to head to, but insist its my mom's fault for directing wrongly when he takes a turn then asks for direction. My mom is the thing furthest from a map, and she cant even explain or argue properly. So yeah, u have the bully, and the bullied, and u can still only blame both, one for bullying, and one for being weak.

But the food was seriously good. And a *large* bottle of Carlsberg for RM9.80 was kinda ok according to my dad. It was a bottle that we shared, and i still felt the beer bulging out of torso. Talk abt being stuffed. Without the beer, i was still confident of devouring a serving of texan BBQ baby ribs. Last time i came here, ah... i learnt the meaning of the word 'succulent'. Yup, it was that good.

The other thing is, i feel like bringing some friends there. Yup!! Maybe i'll throw in a bottle of red wine too. Lets have a feast. Hope one day J-zan and Aikamiyama come here and we go dine together too. =P

New Comp/No Comp

2005-05-01T12:19:00.000+08:00

Finally, the new comp arrives from new zealand with my bro. Finally. And guess what, he managed to take it apart so thoroughly, and put it in a place that has no fan, while the only place i can assemble and test a comp has no fan, nothing.

My mom has moved the fan to the 'new' house and not moved the fan back. My dad insists that i go n bring it over by foot. Asked why not he do it, no answer except for a 'dont argue with me'.

Well, then, i guess i shant assemble this RM3000 piece of shit, since its already missing the display, and that itself cost abt RM1000. So let it rot. until i need a new pc. How nice. The perfect way to burn RM3000 and a whole AMD based PC. Fine.

I cant really expressed how pissed i am. My mom moved the fan but never bothered to move it back. And they want me to assemble all 3 cabinets. 'Piss off' is what i said. They can bloody well assemble the last one. I did the first 2 alone. No help. nothing. do the last one urself i say. I m not touching it anymore. Not after my forearm is still aching from bowling. The other time i assembled one while my arm was still aching. And it didnt help at all. No one helped. Nope. This time i am not touching it. Get my bro to do it.

Anyway, i didnt realise that i'd accidentally just save this blog as a draft the day before. Well, my bro's back in KL. finally, and i managed to reassemble the computer he so unskilfully took apart. After the reassembly, i realised i dun have the s-video or composite cable and i failed to setup the tv-out. Well, guess i m still a long way away from really watching dvds on the big screen. but then, the other part is, i have a good 15" LG LCD monitor. cost me a bomb when i bought it. but luckily it only depreciated by abt 20% so far. after almost 1.5 years. not bad. holding out fine.

Had another stupid argument with my dad. I was going out, the music on the new comp is still on. My sis is still enjoying the music, so i told her to turn it off for me, when she's done. Then my dad was shouting abt whoever turned it on shud turn it off too. I told him off. U shut down almost every comp the same way. Just select shut down for win XP. not that difficult. He insist in an angry manner that i shut it down, cos if something happens when its shut down, i m gonna make lotsa noise. True, but what can really go wrong when shutting down a good computer?

He's nutz, he's picking a fight. And so i waged a war. I told him off, its stupid to have such an idea, its probably more likely that a problem appears when u turn on a PC. shud i make noise too when there is a problem when u turn a PC on? I dun see any problems when he turns on the older comp and i shut it down, or when its the other way round. What is his problem? I dun mean to be rude, but in rational acceptance and appealing to authority, i dare say that in *this* house, I alone AM the authority on computers and electronics. Sorry dad, u lose outright on this one, and no matter how angry it makes u, u lose. Loser.

Too bad. Wrong topic to try and flaunt your stupid authority. Now i am not being outright rude. I just wanna say this: Dun be unreasonable. U bloody well know what is wrong, what is logical and what is not. Dont give me that "dont argue with me, just do it" Bull crap. Its really poppycock. nonsense. uh well, enough about that.

Results, i expect, for my final exam this semester should be out within 2 weeks. I hope so. Then, comes the treat if i get my expected all A's. hopefully a treat for my buddy's at Meaty House. Or even Jake's (but i m sure not treating if its there). Suddenly browsed thru friendster. Found a profile of my friend's sis. Cute little thing. Met her once in singapore. yeah she's underage, but she sure is cute!! welcoming smile and all. (no, i am not a roricon or pedo in the western terms)

gotta go off. publishing it right this time. Like the song i am listening to now:
The Pillows - I Think I Can. good stuff. =)

Velvet Underwear?

2005-04-24T03:33:00.000+08:00

Suddenly thought of this song - Velvet Underworld, by Weiss. Sung by the 4 famous seiyuu, this really rocks. I have always thought of parts of the lyrics.

Velvet Underworld

Shinku no juutan ni nita
kono yo no hana wa mina omote
sono shita ni nagareru yami
kanashimi wa soko kara umare
aa, kokoro sae itsuwatte ikiruno ka
hito wa sadame ni ayatsurareru dake

Like a crimson carpet
The flowers of this world scatter
In the flowing darkness below
There Sadness is born
Ah, is the heart made to deceive?
People are just the puppets of fate

tada, itoshiki mono dakishime
chiisaki mono mamoru tame
kyou mo dare ka ga sakebu
kono inochi sae mo nagedashi
toki no naka de moetsukiru
sono isshun ni kuchizuke wo

Just that, to embrace those we love
To protect the small ones
Today again someone shouts
I would even give this life away
And burn away in time
For the kiss of this moment.

yokubou ni yogoreta machi
fukinukeru kaze dake sora e
fuminiji rarete yuku ai
te no hira ni nokotta namida
aa, egao made ubawarete ikiru no ka
dare mo kizutsuki kokoro mo naiteru

In this greed-stained city
The sky has but the blowing wind
Of this trampled love,
Only the tears in our hands remain
Ah, were smiles only meant to be taken?
All who are hurt, their hearts are weeping

ima, hizamazuite inori o
kakan nai mono mamoritai
mune ni juuji o kizamu
kono tomerarenai nani ka o
osaerareru tamashii o
tada shinjitai itsu made mo

Now,those kneeling in prayer
the timid ones, I will protect
By carving the cross on my chest
This unstoppable being
An unsuppressed spirit
Just believe in them, forever

kumo ga kiete hoshi ga mieru
kaze ga tomari tori ga utau
umi ga hikari sora ni tokeru
yoru ga owari kimi o kanjiru

The clouds disperse, the stars appear
The wind stops, the birds sing
The ocean shines, the sky melts
The night ends, I feel you

A bit about the song. Long before i even understood more than a few words of Jap, i fell in love with the music for this song. Yet now i want to share the lyrics instead. I can feel the deep desire in it, the desire to protect, to silently protect until one gives up life to do so. How else can love better manifest itself?

While it seems that there is obviously something wrong, since i cant seem to put all i want to say at the end of the lyrics, i would have to put if up here. The word wrap function does not work, neither does trying to paste anything down there work. Might be due to the plain text i pasted in for the lyrics. Maybe. Maybe not.

Anyway, this song really hits with me. The desire to protect someone, to protect the weak, i find righteousness in that thought. Willing to bear the cross upon oneself, to be stigmatized, I find that a very noble thought. The people i know, few are willing too, even if able to. The last four phrases, i find nice as well. Very poetic. The feeling of ascension. The clouds opening up to a starry night, the sea shining, the birds singing after the gale passes.

What does this song have to do with me now? Nothing much though. Except maybe what i want to protect is my harddisk with its collection of hent... i mean resources and anime. Yup!! That's it!! Resources and Anime!! No bull at all!! Its all clean as a piece of gardenia!!

There is someone i want to protect

I have to come to terms with this. No, its not that i like someone. Its a bit higher than that. I do not think its love, but its something close to that. Pity? Sympathy? No. But still, after so many years of not seeing her, i still long for her presence, i long for her care, i long to care for her.

Tonight will be a rather sleepless night. But well. Night...

Dedication, the song How To See You Again by Move to the friends i have not seen for a long time. J-zan, Veng, Wai, Aik aka CelicaGT4 aka Kamiyama Aik aka Ivan, G-force, Stella Wai, yyshin, wwkoonz, Kelvin Low, Martin, Wij, Gabe, Jeff, and many others. Hopefully we meet in the near future. Oh yeah, it especially goes out to Benny as well, the Benny who likes shut up and shares my enjoyment of Superman by Eminem.

Hana ni narou~

2005-04-17T01:16:00.000+08:00

To become a flower. what? am i nuts? its just a quote from a song. Hana by orange range. Anyway, since i saved the lyrics from a translation site, i m gonna post it. All of it while i am still high from some wine at my cousin's wedding just now. It was a nice garden wedding. Fantastic. When i get married, maybe it will could be something like that. Just maybe.

Before this, while sorting thru my mails in my hotmail account a few days ago, i saw this author whose name i havnt seen for a long time. Let's call her S (yes, its a she). The fond memories started rushing back as i remembered the good times we had. J-san described it with a very apt phrase: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Fonder~ fonder~ fondle~ oops. that wasnt quite right. Anyway, i emailed her, hoping she would reply, half of me really scared that she wouldnt reply, the other half in panic about what to say if she did reply. And God Blessed me. She replied. And i was always under the impression that she hated me. At least i used to be ignored quite often. Maybe i was just an over-eager dog. I dunno. But S really replied me.

To me, S used to be everything, my support, my precious. The only one i thought of day and night. The only one i could turn to. The one who attracts me to church. The one person i dream of being together with, everyday, all the time, for ever. But alas. i think she didnt like me at all then. I think i was nothing to her, or i was scary. What with that rotten show off attitude of mine. The spoilt brat attitude. I know. Hard to digest. Hard to like. I m just trying to be myself, unashamed, uncovered, unleashed.

Too bad. Now that i finally got closer to her(or maybe otherwise, words may deceive), she is in australia. I dunno. I cant find anything to tell her anymore. I have lost my touch for words. But she is in fact, the one i still think of from time to time. The only one i really want it seems. I used to pray hard for her, for her company, companionship, and even just a bit of attention from her. Ah, those times were nice. I wished she was by my side, or that i could be by her side. Sad. this is not possible. so all i can do is =) and accept that this is it.

If God was somewhere out there, i would have thought this impossible for even Him. Should be. It would be a miracle if she could actually be by my side and live with me. Nah. just my parents would make it a mere impossibility. So why bother. Friendship, before anything else.

In school, i am mister nice guy. The intellectual. But i m therefore a non romantic person. I can flirt and joke, but that's entertaining humour. Nothing more. I am no more attractive to the girls than a giant walking talking and problem solving textbook or computer. But at least, i am achieving more this way. At least i am gaining attention as a model student. A model student who loves basketball and pingpong. But that is all. Sighz. The little that i can actually do about my image. sianz. Damnz. oh well, enough of self-pity and complaining like a spoilt brat. Here are the lyrics for: Orange Range - Hana. I like this. Maybe J-san will too.

Orange Range - Hana
hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
ai shi atte kenka shite
ironna kabe futari de nori koete
umare kawatte mo anata no soba de hana ni narou

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I'll be a flower by your side

itsu made mo aru no darou ka ore no maue ni aru taiyou wa
itsu made mo mamori kireru darou ka naki warai okoru kimi no hyoujou wo
izure subete naku naru no naraba futari no deai ni motto kansha shiyou
ano hi ano toki ano basho no kiseki wa
mata atarashii kiseki wo umu darou

I wonder if the sun will always be right overhead?
I wonder if I'll always be able to protect you?
Your expressions, laughing and crying
Anyway, if everything turns to nothing,
I'll be even more thankful for us having met
That day, that time, the tracks left at that place
Will again give birth to new tracks

ai suru koto de tsuyoku naru koto shinjiru koto de norikireru koto
kimi ga nakushita mono wa ima mo mune ni hora kagayaki ushinawazu ni
shiawase ni omou meguri aeta koto ore no egao torimodoseta koto
"arigatou" afureru kimochi daki susumu doutei

I become strong by loving, I make it through by believing
The things that you left behind even now glitter in my heart, not having disappeared
I think happily of when we met, I regained my smile
Embracing the overflowing feelings of "thanks", I move forward

hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
ai shi atte kenka shite
ironna kabe futari de nori koete
umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I want to be with you

hanabira no you ni chitte yuku koto
kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
kimi ga boku ni nokoshita mono
"ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
da kara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

I'm going to scatter like flower petals
I'll accept everything in this world
The thing that you left me
Is a real treasure called "now"
So living with all my might, I'll be a flower

hana wa nande kareru no darou
tori wa nande toberu no darou
kaze wa nande fuku no darou
tsuki wa nande akari terasu no

Why do flowers wither?
Why do birds fly?
Why does the wind blow?
Why does the moon light up?

naze boku wa koko ni iru n darou
naze kimi wa koko ni iru n darou
naze kimi ni deaeta n darou
kimi ni deaeta koto sore wa unmei

Why am I here?
Why are you here?
Why did I meet you?
Meeting you, that was fate

hanabira no you ni chiri yuku naka de
yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta kiseki
ai shi atte kenka shite
ironna kabe futari de nori koete
umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

Amidst us scattering like flower petals
It was a dream-like miracle that I met you
We love each other, we fight
We climb over all sorts of walls together
If I'm reborn, I want to be with you

hanabira no you ni chitte yuku koto
kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
kimi ga boku ni nokoshita mono
"ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
da kara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

I'm going to scatter like flower petals
I'll accept everything in this world
The thing that you left me
Is a real treasure called "now"
So living with all my might, I'll be a flower

ame agari niji kakari ao arashi ni umareshi hikari
koko ni yuruginai taisetsu na mono
kizuiteru "ai suru" to iu koto
mada arukeru darou? mieteru n da mou
"omoi" toki wo koe eien ni hibike
kimi no yorokobi kimi no itami kimi no subete yo
saa sakihokore motto motto motto

After the rain, a rainbow hangs in the sky, light is born in the mountain air
Right here, I become aware
Of a firm and important thing called "loving"
Can I still walk on? I can see it
My "feelings", pass through time, and echo into eternity
Your happiness, your pain, your everything
Well, bloom then in full, more and more and more

The sounds of your heart, and mine...

2005-04-09T03:52:00.000+08:00

ah. my blog. my sweet sweet blog. tonight, another night of sleeplessness. chatting heart to heart with a very sweet gal. my fren online, who just came out of a tragic relationship. i finally, and with honour, learnt the story behind the previous rumors surrounding her and her rumoured guy.

anyway, i m glad she trusts me so much to tell me this much. abt how he n her broke off and ended on bad terms, and why they are still like strangers after so long. sure he felt betrayed, but it seemed he felt nothing when betraying the feelings of someone who loved him dearly.

ah, when u need her, u cuddle up, u go after, u really seem to love her. when u dont need her, she cant even see ur trace. when a new guy comes after her, u get all funny and u get into a shouting match with her, cos she's quiet, shy and doesnt like to argue with u? u bully. death to u!! and i thought better of u. i shall stop here with the flame. since i am no alchemist.

Anyway, the long of the short is, i get to chat with the lady who once loved you, and i once held u in high respect. maybe not as much now. But i believe it is not anyone's fault. u were frustrated too. i understand. but learn some self-control, some understanding, and some flair?

Well, by now, i gather that i should stop. cos i gave her the url for this blog. hopefully she doesnt find it offensive. its like broadcasting some things i take as being entrusted to me, for some degree of secrecy. I enjoy being trusted, and i enjoy trusting. Why did i chat with her and divulged so much? so much of my junk philosophy, so much rubbish that would have let ppl think -> this guy belongs in a mental institution.

Today, as usual, i want to post some lyrics about a song i had in mind. however, i m still trying hard to find the lyrics for that song by orange range, ishin denshin. kinda like my new favourite.

Cute and funky, the song really catches my feel. somehow. i feel like i could make more contact. but back to reality. a slow net speed. bad leeching facilities. ah. how long more will this go on. and i just completed this DIY cabinet ordered from carrefour. hopefully it wont collapse a few days later.

anyway. here it is - ishin denshin, which basically means telepathy (heart to heart)

ishin denshin
Lyrics & Music : ORANGE RANGE

hanareteru ki ga shinai ne kimi to boku to no kyori
me wo tsubutte ite mo kimi no koe de wakaru hyoujou
kimi ni aenai kara utsumuiteru
demo mae muki ni koto wo kangaeteru
sonna toki mo onaji sora no shita de sugoshiteru
sugu ni mata aeru
datte itsu mo bokura wa tsungatte iru n da

I don't feel that we're seperated, with the distance between us
Even if I shut my eyes, I know your expression from your voice
I hang my head because I can't be with you
But I think positively
In times like that, we pass beneath the same sky
We'll see each other again soon
But we're always connected to one another

bokura wa itsu mo ishin denshin futari no kyori tsunagu terepashii
koi nante nana korobi ya oki yasashii kaze hora egao ni kaete
hanareteta tte ishin denshin damatteta tte wakaru kimochi
omoi yo todoke kimi no moto ni mirai ni tsunaideku shingou wa ai no messeeji

The distance between us is always bridged by telepathy
Love is getting up after a fall; look, the gentle wind is changing into a smile
Being seperated with telepathy; we're silent, and understand each other's feelings
Reach out, my feelings, to where you are; connected to the future, the signal is a message of love

kono hiroi unabara koe
onaji toki wo sugoshite
kono omoi yokaze ni nose
hiza wo daku kimi ni todoke

Crossing the vast sea
Passing the same time
Putting my feelings on the night wind
Holding my knees, let them reach you

kimi ni aenakute mo daijoubu
sou, mae muki ni koto wo kangaeteru
hanaretete mo onaji sora no shita de sugoshiteru
sugu ni mata aeru
datte itsu mo bokura wa tsungatteru n da

It's alright, even if I can't be with you
That's right, I think positively
Even though we're apart, we're passing beneath the same sky
We'll see each other again soon
But we're always connected to one another

bokura wa itsu mo ishin denshin futari no kyori tsunagu terepashii
koi nante nana korobi ya oki yasashii kaze hora egao ni kaete
hanareteta tte ishin denshin damatteta tte wakaru kimochi
omoi yo todoke kimi no moto ni mirai ni tsunaideku shingou wa ai no messeeji

The distance between us is always bridged by telepathy
Love is getting up after a fall; look, the gentle wind is changing into a smile
Being seperated with telepathy; we're silent, and understand each other's feelings
Reach out, my feelings, to where you are; connected to the future, the signal is a message of love

How sweet. how nice. if only we all have that someone who understands us as though we had telepathy. oh well, we just cant have everything, can we? i for one, will just learn to be content with what i have now, and hope that 'she' will come along sooner or later. maybe later. i dunno. i've decided to post another song, but later. hana, by orange range i found that song rather sentimental, and rather touching. warming. it speaks to the me inside.

Its like a sacrificial love that goes unnoticed. but well, that might be just my own interpretation of the feel of the music. more than anything else. the lyrics arent that extreme of course.

Now i m feeling stressed to the limit. no slacking. work hard to the final stride, and perhaps, next semester or next 5 subjects could be free. on a scholarship. yeah. and that would save me precious thousands of ringgit. hopefully the end of this year i will get to follow my dad on his trip to reno, nevada for his business meeting. If i do get the chance to go, it will really be my first trip to somewhere on the northern hemisphere. I've been to the southern half of the globe, but that was when i was only 8, how could i remember much? nothing really left any impact. or most of it seems lost somehow. cant remember anything. ah. pathetic me.

wrapping up, i really thank her for trusting me, and accepting my painful honesty. I know, low EQ. that's just me. typical me. but really, thank you for chatting with me, for so long. i shouldnt continue, at least not when listening to tracks from the anime "beyond the clouds, the promised place".

Logic no Kami-sama

2005-03-28T02:09:00.000+08:00

Why is it, that people resist logic when it makes perfect sense, is supported fully by evidence, and yet choose to believe blindly in certain religious teachings that have been proven fallacious?!

I am talking about my mother. The very woman whose blood i share. Yet it is hard to believe we share the same blood. I am not saying that i despise my mother. In fact i thank her much for bringing me into this world and making me study the multiplication table up to 12, yet not bothered to explain to me what it is and what it is for. I was disciplined into just learning by force and by heart, 2X1=2, 2X2=4, 2X3=6.... and so on. Mistakes come with scolding and caning. And by the end of it, i was able to remember a whole lot of rubbish without knowing what it was for, until half a year later, when in school, we were taught multiplication in school.

Of course, bad teaching aside, i was always amazed at how badly my mom is when it comes to thinking. An settling arguments of course. take for example, when she once cut in through a queue of cars, i told her "If no one cuts, traffic would be much faster, and when u cut, u slow traffic down, cos cars have to give way to u, and ur response time is not blazing fast at all." The reply i got was "It will be slow if u wait, so u should cut, since it will be slow anyway." and further exchanges have her equating it to being "streetwise", whatever that means.

Ah, putting those aside, today, in the chinese newspapers, there was a section on Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, which in my opinion, is actually badly over-rated. That aside as well, the point is that, many historical and biblical truths have been tampered with. Much as it is with the canonical bible, there are the gnostic gospels and unpublished books from the dead sea scrolls and all. Some not yet deciphered, some undergoing doctrine-oriented editing maybe. With even the authorities admitting that they have edited, and thus also translated and put the bible's original manuscript thru many intepretation, my mother, has refused to accept this as a truth. In fact, she has insisted with much trouble in justification, that the bible was written by God, and has always been in its original form (even when its in Chinese, while we know, Jesus did not speak chinese).

And furthermore, the known fact that Jesus' Birthday was nowhere near December, and was more towards march, is widely known, if not widely publicized (something Dan Brown got correct). Yet, my mom insists, that it MUST be on 25 December!! With what as evidence? Sadly, she cites that it must be true since we celebrate Christmas on that day, why else if not on that day? (and the evidence explaining that, was already clearly explained in Dan's book, although it wasnt a book specialising on history). Her evidence is that, it must be so, since it cannot be otherwise ("and why can it not be otherwise?" "because we celebrate xmas on that day!!") is purely crap and bull.

It is boring, to endure such unintellectual a relative, and try to explain with much patience the facts and truths, that contradict so much with the absolution of one's basis of believe. And the divinity of Jesus really depends on the truth surrounding his circumstances of birth, life, death and resurrection. If even the truth surrounding our saviour's life cannot be verified empirically or by archival research, then how are we to believe in something so farfetched? It is just like asking me to believe in UFOs based on eyewitness accounts, but with no real pics or evidence.

I dont get it, what is the difference between superstition and other religions if we believe blindly without seeking evidence, and truth? What is this when we do not demand the whole truth and nothing but the truth, in its unadulterated form? At least, even translated, in its raw form? Yet, my mother disagrees, saying that God's words, and the Bible, are so absolute, that they were the same, and there are no such things as missing books. It MUST be some crap story that Dan Brown invented. You cant fool me!!

Rubbish. To believers like these, i say, doom and destruction to the church and to christianity loom in the near horizon. No way we will progress further than superstition. It is just like how the catholic church places emphasis on tradition, and while traditions were put in place for practical reasons over religious practice (think communion) they cannot be changed for the same reason now. No. The tradition that has long been outdated shall stay even if it is not practical (think the current communion).

So in the end, hypocrisy abounds, superstition prevails and God is nowhere to be found. I do not plan to challenge his existence. I just plainly do not see it. "Ask and u shall receive!" (if I am in a good mood?) God is Just and Loves all Men!! (but i shall choose the Jews as the chosen race, yeah~ and u cant say i am biased can u? I m ultimately Just!!)

Oh well, i guess, the christians who are so stupid to believe in all that crap they receive every sunday, they must be kinda happy. To be able to live in such a pretentious naive live. Too bad for those who think and ask for proof, for verification. Too bad for me. Even most peers and leaders and pastors cant answer the most basic questions i put forward. And from what i remember, God did not drop any letters from the sky.

Putting that aside, I managed to get my hands on Asian Kung-fu Generation's album, Sol-fa. The music is cool, and its rather steady to the beat, good vocals, nice instruments. I would say my other favourite now is Orange Range's Hana. Quite interesting. I would picture it as a good slow dance song for occasions like Asean Dance.

All this has to end somewhere, sometime. In hoping that my mother, my dear sweet mother gets some wisdom, and not just decay with age, I also hope that she can at least think like one of us. Use her brain for all its worth. I see only decay within the church, and its members. I see her weaken and soften and think less every passing sunday. I am also furious that she had the nerved to ask me to type out the hymns she needs the next sunday. Do it yourself!! If not, do NOT volunteer to do it!! (and expect me to take up the job?)

Ah well, all this has to end on a happier note. So yeah, i did enjoy Some new songs today. Thank my buddy, chea hui, who was so nice to lend me some space and bandwidth, and i finally found a channel #aznmp3 that ripped and released Steve Conte's album - Bleed Together.

The Noizy Tribe!!

2005-03-26T01:39:00.000+08:00

While i listen to this awesome song by MOVE, i think back on the fun things that happened today. Lotsa fun watching Hitch with chea hui, lotsa fun having dinner with some old classmates, and their old classmates before we were shifted to the same 'elite' class.

The computer downstairs restarted twice for no good reason. I know something bad is gonna happen. My dad was fairly unconcerned about it. "Just use the comp later then", and yet if it happens when he was using it, he's gonna put me thru hell. And hell will freeze over if i know what happened anyway.

Oh well, i had dinner with a bunch of fun people though. The best part, only another guy, and a total of four (4) good looking lasses. One is definitely attached, two are confirmed single. The unknown, i do not know well. But well, my long lost friend, Jun, is one of them. Sweet, petite, lotsa of talk, and the ultra youthfulness in her, ah, i feel almost like an outdated piece of junk. I brought my dad's Canon EOS out, used up the last 10 shots, took more pics of her than anything else, and yeah, basically planned out our next meeting.

Fortunately/Unfortunately, she went off early to bed. After a bad car accident in which she dozed off while driving throught a jam, well, basically her parents insist on more sleep. I would too. I think she's been so overworked, that i feel a bit of pain. The feeling of loss, when u watch a perfect flower wither. What could describe that excruciation? Oh well, maybe i am going overboard. But all the same, i am concerned, if not worried. Without any extra motives or emotions of course. How could anyone think otherwise.

Watched Hitch, such a true but sad movie. Most ppl are such pathetic beings they rely on a date doctor to make things happen. That one step, the one that most guys cant cross, and those who do, make it. To meet a stranger, to step forward and calmly approach a lady with flaire and style~

Argh, i didnt know its already Good Friday. Wonder what's so 'good' about it. Biblical history is published with so much agenda, tweaking and biasness, that it is definitely beyond the odds of even making a good historical narrative. It probably the most biased and unscrupulous story book man ever published. If not, why arent the other gnostic gospels published? What is verified as truth or fact? What has been verified beyond doubt from multiple sources of historical records? After reading the Da Vinci Code and pondering upon these questions, i come to the conclusion that, what can be true, and contradictory to the Church's teaching and dogma, are definitely edited out of all version's of the catholic church's and therefore most of the standard editions of the bible. So i guess, if we cant even seek historical truth, why bother with seeking the 'truth'? We arent even truthful with ourselves and our followers, our believers. We cant even stand up and stick fast to our morals, and our codes of conduct (let me cite the example of my catholic and methodist friends who got their girlfriends pregnant at age 18 and married soon after). The churches do not condemn such an act and such sinners. Instead, they say, the act is condemned. But u cannot condemn ppl for their acts. So should we say, murder is bad, but the murderer should NOT in any case be condemned, and should not be branded as such or punished as he is? What exactly does condemnation consist of then?

Furthermore, i find that, the so called act of accepting them and allowing a church wedding really a faltering stand. So we are saying, no prob, hey, we'll still accept you and let you have a church wedding? What is the deterrent? Shame sure damn well is not. Neither is moral education. or sex eduaction for that matter. Parental control? forget it. Punishment for such so called sins? Nah, we cant punish or judge other men, right? So what is sin and is there any punishment at all? Is there regret and pain in such "sin"? I think not. It seems plainly that the churches, whether catholic or protestant, are just condoning such acts indirectly. For my friends in those example, yeah, i know, maybe u made a mistake and u put it behind u (and maybe it was a mistake u enjoyed thoroughly, and probably loved and thanked urselves for making), i am sorry for using u in my so called lifelong argument and reasoning against the religion i once loved and believed in.

If even you guys are not punished and denounced, then i do think, there is definitely no big deal with burning down the churches, assassinating the popes (i mean, ur own ppl and clergy do that so often anyway) or just plain speaking out against church doctrine and corruption. I also think that ur God is probably 1) Asleep, 2) Slacking, 3) Unjust, if awake, or 4) Dead or 5) a figment of your imagination. From what i see, God is probably as real as cocaine and Unreal.

Not unless we who believe carry out his laws and live according to his ways, should we progress. If this is one premise, then i think, we have failed miserably in progressing. If we assume that God does punish, then i think it sure is well delayed or written off through forgiveness. J-san, if u think otherwise, and u believe so strongly, i do recommend u take a look around. Look at the corruption from within. The dependency. U have softened. U have weakened. I think you are no longer strong. U have lost that fire. I am not saying u cant. But i think, u could still have been stronger.

Angels have a good reason to oppose God and rebel i guess. I think many see enough to know about the kind of atrocities he allows his church and its believers. Neither does he save many in times of need. Slaughter is allowed. The inquisition, the Crusades. ah, how forgiving are his followers and believers. ah how comforting it is to know about his kindness in the Holocaust. I do believe many are 'delivered', straight to the doorsteps of hell. hell yeah. =)

I was always wondering the ending of Angel's and Demons. If i was Robert Langdon, i'd have been a righteous man, an upright and honest man, and delivered the tape to the media, just as Max Kohler had ordered, and have the church crumble, have the faithful wake up. Lose hope? my ass. ppl will just find something else to depend on mentally and worship some other statue. We should not make unto ourselves any graven image (and the crucifix doesnt count, neither does mary, neither do photos of christ, and neither are Da Vinci's paintings. And neither are the large crosses or signs. uh yeah. i believe u. NOT!!

oh well, time to end off, to show that i m not just church hater, i'd say, church ppl are kinda likeable. Cos they are so dam naive and dependent on an imaginary entity responsible for every lucky experience as miracles, and for every unfortunate incident as "God's test for us".

I'd gladly welcome the big big dragon. Let's see if it wins instead.

Instant Proposal

2005-03-19T21:41:00.000+08:00

Ah. yesterday night. A night full of rushing. A night full of sweat (it was hot and stuffy) and full of my wildest fantasies.

ok. it is so not about carnal fantasies and the like. Its not even about having fun.

I was really rushing to draft at least the concept of my business plan. A piece of homework that will have to be impressive. 'Magnifique' as they say. I drew out this mega plan that needed some large scale construction and management, to say the least. All the while fulfilling one of my ultimate dreams, inspired by a nice manga called air gear by Oh! Great. In the manga were kids enjoying the high flying adrenaline rush of roller-blade-like stuff called airtreks. except they are pushed by high-powered motors. the idea of blading and flying (i've done neither) just seems so tempting!!

The other avenue for me is to own a large building, with pool and gym and a whole lot of sports facilities, club in the basement, and stay in an elegant apartment on the higher levels. What a dream huh?! the investment itself could easily go above 25-80 million dollars, depending on how much is needed for bribes and how magnificent the building should be.

Well on the other hand, i cant believe i suddenly rewatched the last few episodes of weiss kreuz gluhen again... lotsa nos, i know... I like the way koyasu actually thought of portraying him and his buddies as really cool entities in such a show. The girls will definitely go crazy over the cool, and the guys can actually imagine that being in a sad lonely state is cool. Cheers to the lonely guys out there. Now being a creature of the night, a hunter, a killer, but yet someone with a really pitiful past is cool. goodness me...

I just finished reading Dan Brown's novel, the Da Vinci Code. It wasnt bad, but compared to Angels and Demons, something seems inadequate. Something is missing. Maybe its the scandal and people with distorted ideals, and the bad involvement of the Church in this area. I would say, the Da Vinci Code may be more intellectually stimulating as a puzzle-laden mystery action novel, but angels and demons was more exciting to my taste. Now i look forward to getting my hands on Dan Brown's Deception Point. I would of course expect decay after that, and predict that works that follow would somehow be of lesser quality and of a predictable style. fewer surprises. less excitement. And a wild goose chase all around the place. Oh well, maybe its cos i read Detective Conan as well, and as far as story telling and murder mysteries are concerned, Dan Brown is no big deal.

What fascinates me more nowadays is Yakitate Japan and Tenjho Tenge. I do hope someone could help me leach more tenjho tenge. Dial-up is unbearably slow. Excruciating.

To end off, no lyrics, but maybe some random snippings of my brain.

The flames of a dark heart
The desires of a spoilt child
Broken wings.

Double Dear

2005-03-16T21:40:00.000+08:00

Ok, so the title is the name of a lame (but i like it) song by a group of seiyuu, namely those from Weiss and Saiyuki. To start off, i'd really like the song, but what has it to do with this day? Actually nothing, since i didnt get to listen to this song today. Just that i'd really like to dedicate part of this song to Jason, and Aik, for all that we've been through, alone or together. Its about half a decade of friendship, and its worth celebrating!!

ame ni utarete mo
hono'o ni kogareru
kasukana akari ga yobu yo
toozakaru daichi
yokubou no tsubasa dake  tsumibukai  sora ni chitte
naiteiru yo

        Struck mercilessly by rain
        and yearning for the warmth of a flame
        is a faint light that cries out
        Above a distant earth
        With only the wings of desire to fly on, sinfully, you fall from the sky
        As I weep

konran yo  bunretsu yo
senkoku wo kono yo ni
taihai yo  shin'en yo
kodoku sae waraou
nemuru ga ii

        Chaos and divisions
        That is the sentence this world has handed down to us
        Corruption and unfathomability
        Even loneliness... let's laugh
        It's all right to sleep

So, what do i feel from this set of lyrics? basically not much. Its not really the lyrics that i feel, but the music, its flow, the loneliness and of course, the yearning for warmth even as i am struck mercilessly by rain. Those who havent heard Double Dear, i do dearly recommend it. As for Jason, i'd also like to present these lyrics as a reminder. Maybe as encouragement.

fumikomu ze akuseru
kake hiki wa nai sa sou da yo
yoru wo nukeru
nejikomu sa saigo ni
sashihiki zero sa, sou da yo
hibi wo kezuru

Let's press down on the accelerator
I don't have a plan, it's true
I'll escape the night
In the end I'll protest
And the balance will be zero, it's true
It will whittle away the days

kokoro wo sotto hiraite
gyutto hiki yosetara
todoku yo kitto tsutau yo motto
saa

Softly opening my heart
If I pull you toward me hard
I'll certainly get through to you better
Well...

iki isoide shiboritotte
motsureru ashi dakedo mae yori
zutto sou, tooku e
ubaitotte tsukandatte
kimi ja nai nara
imi wa nai no sa

Living busily, squeezing out everything
My legs get tangled
But I always get ahead with them
Taking it, catching it
If it isn't you
It has no meaning

dakara motto... haruka kanata

So, furthur off in the distance

Maybe jason can try guessing what song that was.. actually its a dead give away, but seriously, i think that's the way to live. We are, and you are, burdening ourselves with too many things we need not worry about.

Oh well, i guess its yumcha time, so time to wrap up. Not much heavy heartwrenching stuff tonite, since what happened last nite is already behind me. I have to let go sometime, so why not earlier. Right? Wrong? Right?

In the End, i guess, its not such a bad world after all. All right, I'll leave it here and hope Jason or someone else tunes in. And i am still wondering how the HECK did Veng Hoong find my blog. I am still wondering. But i dont mind, since he so kindly tagged me. Cheerz to all. Zipz~

Another Day. Betrayer. Betraying. Betrayal.

2005-03-15T03:29:00.000+08:00

Here i am blogging again. I feel like a Traitor. Uragirimono. I somehow can never be like Brandon Heat from GunGrave and uphold the principle of 'never betray', the iron law of the mafia(ok, the family).

I have been entrusted by a good friend, to pass a letter to a girl he has had a crush on for many years. Being his initial supporter, i told him, go for it. "Are you going to regret not making any moves and letting it pass u by? Can u face it without regret or frustration? Go, face it. Approach her!"

And here i am, with a letter supposed to be delivered to an ex-classmate of mine from primary school. No names. I know. But for those who know, it is no secret. Anyway, here i was, stuck with no real leads, and i have to, for his sake and the sake of the promise i made, find this mysterious and attractive (i assumed so) ex-classmate of mine. And somehow, God help me, i did!! By somehow contacting old friends, one leads to the other, and voila!! But the problem remains, how to break this disturbing news to her, or deliver the letter without much shock?

But after i managed to establish contact, it became the start of my troubles. I have to admit, i easily take a liking to members of the opposite sex. Much more easily than mixing with guys. I prefer interacting with gals, being their confidante~ But here, is a lady whom my friend has a long crush on, and i have silently sworn to support him in this matter. How could it be, that i now feel really attracted to her? Is this not an act of betrayal? An act of betraying his trust? An act of sabotage, to ruin his sweet dream? Yet, guilty as i am, i cannot help but feel attracted to her every aspect.

She. A petit (i imagine) lass who has an attitude. From the way she speaks (assuming most ppl speak the way they type and message), the sarcasm here and there, the way she rejects without hesitation, the straightforwardedness. The old memories of what she looked like, the old memory that i used to have something for her. Ah, i cannot help but think, what if i come out the winner, and the traitor in this game of love?

Maybe I am thinking too far, too deep into my own selfish fantasy, that I even have a chance with someone i havent seen for ten(10) long years. But, i have just made contact with her. It was a giant step for me, and for Mr. B. But the excitement, the expectations that would have been so pleasant for him, have probably been killed the instant i made the jokes about pursuing her affection for myself instead. I shouldnt have made such jokes, especially since they were meant as passing jokes. Guess it could be really cruel when such a joke turns into reality and u say "hey, but i thought u were only kidding?"

On another note, i have yet to meet 'her'. Her busy schedule, maybe my lack of forcefulness (i find being a nice guy sometimes difficult, i'd always have to push quite a bit to get what i want). But i wanna be a patient and considerate person. No rush, if u're busy its really ok. I can wait. There are always more chances. Yet, i wonder, this kind of procrastination, this kind of leniency, does it not always make things less probable? And still, i cannot bring myself to be forceful at her.

Maybe i've been single so long in my life, so long so long, my whole life, than i am just yearning for some attention and acceptance in my life? I know it myself, that i cant expect to play mr nice guy all the time. The truth, my true self, the ugliness behind the near perfect facade, will and must show someday. Could I lie and cheat myself? I see in her the inner beauty, if words are anything, that alone suffices. Mystery makes a woman woman. Being so, She's the Woman. I yearn, i ache, i burn, i am consumed, not just by desire, but by guilt.

As sorry as i am for my buddy, i must remind him with this short excerpt of lyrics:
Some Days, Some Nights,
Some Live, Some Die,
In the Way of the Samurai.
Some Fight, Some Bleed,
Sun up to Sun down,
The Sons of a Battlecry.

Survival. The way of the samurai. The loyalty. The loneliness behind it. Yet, some shall live and some shall die. I am afraid i am the one who will live this round.

Maybe someday, your chance will come, and you will find your chosen one, the one and only who will be your bride, who will take you for who you are, what you stand for and love only you. Good Luck my friend. And truly, my sincerest apologies if i stand out after this round of bloddy battle.

Shattered Lamb

2005-03-13T20:55:00.000+08:00

Dinner, at this Chinese franchise outlet near Pudu called 'xiao fei yang' (little fat lamb).

The stories my dad brought about them in China was that it was fantastic. Lots of good food and snacks and hors d'oeuvres. It ended up as a big disappointment. The food was not as fantastic as it appeared to be just normal steam boat with sliced lamb and beef. And both are not cheap. Plus the lamb used is not the original mongolian lamb, but NZ lamb. I've taste NZ lamb so much that its getting boring. Worse of all, the service was not up to standard at all. Small lamb fragments served instead of nice whole slices. And after complaining, what we were told was that, oh, thats kinda unavoidable cos the machine was still warming up. Taking things further, the soup was not as good as it could have been, but this is just because some of the spices needed are just plain rare in M'sia, with our onions and garlic less fragrant than those from China. The bottomline was, bad service, high prices and lousy food, not to mention really plain and horribly bland deco.

SO, at long last, we left after losing RM90.30, very little food, and me feeling hungry abt 30mins after dinner. This is bad. Yumcha time had better come soon. I know, I'm supposed to be on a slim down diet. Less input, more output. But that was almost no input. You cant drive without 'Fuel'. Same for me. No Fuel, No Work. Ah... Another failed attempt at a good dinner away from home.

Oh well, all i can do is look forward to the next feast coming my way, hopefully on my mom's birthday. Hakka 'peng cai' its called. Supposed to be a large pot stuffed full of good stuff. Damn. I'll have to stop here. Too much drool accumulating over my keyboard.

Kuroi tsubasa no Tenshi

2005-03-13T05:43:00.000+08:00

An angel with black wings, someone fallen from grace, that is what i have seen myself as.
After half a semester in a new school, after dropping out disgracefully from university, after doing lots of things to lose a lot of trust, and racking up a lot of debt, i am glad that i have stood up and moved on. Although it may sound like bragging, i do want to keep records on my blog. 5 subjects in my first semester, business admin in Stamford College. Midterm. Lowest Score 88, average score 91.5 with one subject still unmarked. highest score 94. I would if i could, try to obtain a perfect GPA (grade point average) of 4.0 and maybe get a scholarship next semester. My ultimate aim - to transfer to University of Nevada, Las Vegas. The school with *the budget* and the lecturers to staff it.

Had a long chat with a someone i havnt met for a long long long long.... well u get the idea. I shall refer to him as J-san, Mr. J. An old buddy, the guy whom i have shared so much entertainment with, not to mention the long basketball games. The spars, the drives and the arcade madness.

Recently, i have just become the main attention of my class. Coming in at semester 1, overaged, is kinda normal in m'sia. But topping the class under those conditions, that's a bit rare. And i m a bit rare. Attention, i feel like i want it, need it, and relish in it. It is a bit irritating though, getting lotsa questions and "SOS" signals thrown at me perpetually. Accounting, Business Admin, Psychology, Intro to Computers, and what the heck, English 2 which i m not even taking?!

I should be sleeping, but the mosquitoes and the excercise this morning, which i have not gotten for a long time, has boost my metabolism rate, and i m not even near sleepy as of now. Yet, something tells me its about time to turn in. Sunday is here. No church for me. Maybe i should have a post just about why i no longer go to church. God is there. I believe in his presence. But the institutions of Man, i no longer hold any respect for. I no longer trust or can trust. I find only hypocrisy. Face value. Lip Service. Not much more than those do i see in churches.

The good stuff. I think i am rather popular with the ladies as of now. Self-suppression is a good strategy. Not trying to impress, but just be impressively normal, i think that is the secret to popularity. Good Clean Hard Work. Also, i think i now have a real crush on someone. No names of course. She might be reading. Or maybe her guy might find this blog (uh yeah, she's attached as of now, but the saying goes "potong jalan") and plot my eventually tragic death.

Of course, she is not especially pretty, nor elegant, nor model like. Just kinda plain, gentle, soft-spoken. And accepting. yes. that is the good part. The aspect i try to find.

Although all the above seems rather incomplete, they are meant to be read as a random flow of thoughts from my overactive mind. The mind that so oftenly rebels against normal sleep hours. For now, this shall end here. My first blog.

and to end, the song that has blended much with my inner self. One More Angel by Weiss.

sekaijyuu teki ni mawasu boku to kimi
=in this world you and i revolve as enemies
kono hoshi ni nokosareta ai sagasu tabi
=a journey to search for the love that remained within these stars
kono nukumori de futari sotto tsutsumarete
=the two of us gently wrapped in this embrace
hajimete ikita kioku tadotte nemuru
=the memory that had just begun to live follows into sleep

One More Time doko ka de miteru kami e
=One More Time towards the God that is seen somewhere
One More Angel mou sukoshi matte hoshii
=One More Angel wishing to wait a little longer
One More Time kumo no ue no tenshi ni
=One More Time with the angels above the clouds
One More Angel futari kuwaeru sadame wo
=One More Angel is the fate that both of us add up to
Leave Me Hold Me Now

sekaijyuu utsusu kagami atta nara
=in this world reflecting mirrors exist,
nikushimi ga utsurimasu ka ai desu ka
=is hatred reflected? or is it love?
saigo no yoru ga oriru kimi ga tsubuyaita
=the last night falls you whispered
omoide wa bokutachi wo sukuu darou ka
=surely our memories would save us?

One More Time haruka de miteru kami e
=One More Time towards the God that is seen in the distance
One More Angel tenshi ni mesaremasu ka
=One More Angel are we seduced by angels?
One More Time kegarenai hohoemi wo
=One More Time is the untainted smile
One More Angel anata wa ubau no desu ka
=One More Angel snatched away by you?